-Two-

"You need to love yourself and be yourself one hundred percent before you can actually love someone else."

-Christina Perri

So this is going to be more of a "serious" topic. It's just something I have been thinking a lot about lately with some of the events that have going on, but I want to share my feelings about self-worth and loving yourself. I understand that we all have rough days where we don't always like everything about ourselves but seriously, we need to have less of those days. I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not one hundred percent there yet, but I am getting to the point of loving myself more and the quirks that come along with me. I've had very low times in my life where I feel as if I am nothing special and I've beaten myself up about it.

So far 2016 has been a great year and I have grown so much already. Like I've mentioned in my last entry, I have taken chances and learned from them. There have been a couple of situations come up that have been wake up calls -I'll spare you the long stories and just get to the point. 

Some people are insensitive. Some people don't see your value. Some people are selfish. And that's okay! I want to thank those people for being mean, for being jerks. Thanks to you, I am shaping myself into who I am today. It's because of those times you knocked me down that I've made my decision to do what's best for me and allowed me to add who and what I want in my life to my "check list." 

2015 was not my most favorite year, I struggled a lot... but would I change it? Probably not. I learned a lot and I'm taking what I learned last year and adding it to this year. I'm going to be more picky about who I date, who I associate myself with, and who I let affect me. 

I Googled self-worth on Sunday and this definition came up: the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect. Ever since I read that, I have had a couple questions on my mind, the main one being "Do I know my own value?" and to answer truthfully...no, right now I don't really, but I'm working on it. Someday--hopefully soon--I can say that I know my value, my worth, have higher self esteem and more self respect with confidence.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm tired of feeling less than I am and I'm tired of feeling like I deserve to feel that way because of how others treat me. If you've ever seen The Perks of Being a Wallflower, there's a line in that movie about accepting the love we think we deserve and I feel like I've been settling for less because I feel that I don't deserve anything more and I don't want to do that anymore. So, I guess that's what this year is going to be about, but I want to change that.

-One-

"When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important." -Ellen DeGeneres

One of the things I love most about myself is how spontaneous I am. I'm always willing to try something once, sometimes I love it and sometimes I really hate it, but I always put myself out there and try something new.

For instance, this past weekend I went to Ichiban Sushi and tried sushi for my very first time--I get it, I'm behind on the sushi trend, my cousin Amy has told me repeatedly and since I'm a trendy guy, I like to keep up with the latest popular fads. But fish, in general, freaks me out. It doesn't matter if it's cooked or uncooked, I just don't like the thought of it. Imagining swallowing a bone or even thinking about the taste of fish grosses me out, but on Saturday I decided to give it a shot and guess what! I actually enjoyed it! If you go, I recommend the Park City roll.

Speaking of new and exciting things, I recently flew to New York to meet a guy for the first time. Crazy, right? As many of you know, I'm easily overwhelmed when it comes to taking such huge risks and flying by myself counts as a big deal to me. The thing that stressed me out most was the layover. Have you ever missed a flight because of a layover? Well, I haven't and I didn't want to! I was so stressed out that I felt like I was annoying everyone around me because I kept talking about it. 

I'm kind of a control freak by nature and I just don't handle not having control of my transportation very well--if I could have flown the plane, I would have flown it myself! By the time I landed in JFK and got to my gate, I realized I was acting like a hot mess and that forty minutes was plenty of time. I know that flying comes easily to some people but now, because I took that chance, I feel more comfortable traveling alone than I thought I would and I'd do it again.

These experiences might not be huge, and I could go on and on about the things I've done, but they just reminded me that trying new things is fun, a little bit scary, and exciting and I really want more moments like them. Now I can say I'm ready for that next date or new restaurant. I'm ready to explore and I'm ready to learn more about myself and the things I am capable of. Join me. Make suggestions. I'd love to hear about things you love to do that I haven't, I may even try them out!

-Preface-

"Anyone can hide; it's the easiest thing to do. Standing up, facing the truth, and working through problems, that's what makes you strong." -Unknown

There's something I've been hiding for a long time. Something some of you already know or have suspected, and I've finally come to terms with it enough to let my "secret" out. It's something that some of you might accept, some of you might deny it, and some of you might even end up hating me for it--but it's also something I'm tired of hiding.

I'm gay. 

I've known it for years and it doesn't change who I am--I'm still the same person--and I hope this doesn't change the way you think or feel about me, but I can't keep living a lie. I've been out to most my friends and all of my immediate family for a couple years already and have waited for the right time for me to tell everyone else. 

I've been so scared of the way everyone else perceives me, and the disappointment they might feel when they learn that I can't be what they want, that I've lost my sense of self-worth and drive in pursuing my own happiness. I've resisted telling some very close people in my life because others have told me not to talk about it or mention it. But now it's time that I did something for me. 

It does scare me what you might think, but I hope that this will be a place where I can come to talk about my life and not be judged and where you can come to share in my experiences.

I've started this blog because I want you all to know the real me. This will not be about just another gay guy writing about being gay, I just want you to see me for who I am as a whole and not just the public face I show everyone. I want to tell you about funny dates I've been on, funny shows I've seen, or the latest thing that happened at work or with my friends. I also want to be able to be serious with everyone too.

I just want you to be a part of my life.

First post will be out beginning of next week. 

I am truly thankful for those who have been a positive influence in my life with this decision and direction I have taken.